Going through the death of a person you love is hard, but it does not have to be the end of your happiness.
Guilt and grief often walk hand in hand. When we grieve the death of someone, we love dearly, our minds go to places we wish they would not travel. We even ask ourselves, “Could I have done more? Why did I not do more? Why did I not tell them I loved them? Did I love them enough?” We tell ourselves our version of the truth, “I was not enough. I should have done that or this.” All these things go through our minds after the death of a treasured individual in our life. It is normal. It is not good, though, but it is normal. Guilt is part of our human makeup and usually waits around the corner. It is essential to be intentional about handling our guilt in a way that permits us to walk through grief healthily and even feel happy.
We feel guilty. We feel happy. We feel sadder than ever; this is the so-called “happiness guilt.” It may sound odd to our ears, but our hearts know the feeling too well. You have the right to feel happy. Happiness should not be limited to only the most comfortable times. Happiness can be found even in the saddest of times. Let me say that again. There is joy even in the lowest of times. How can it be? We all possess sadness, and we all have pleasure. They both reside within us, and if we allow them the space they deserve, we can live well within that balance. We need to give ourselves the permission and space to grieve profoundly and be sad, so we can feel happy without guilt, a dichotomy of emotion that puts up a more balanced person.
These simple steps may aid you in managing happiness guilt:
#1. Give enough time and space for your grief and sadness. Sorrow and tears need to happen before joy stands a chance. During grief, some people find it hard to accept comfort and company from those they love most. In these instances, knowing how to best support them is difficult.
#2. Remind yourself that your loved one would indeed want genuine happiness for you. They would not want you to be stuck in your sadness forever. Embrace joy because happiness is in the process, not just the result, through your life journey. Know that you still have other people who love you endlessly and will always be there for you to support you no matter what happens.
#3. Permit yourself to be in the presence of laughter. Laughter feels good and is infectious. And smiling helps too! That does not mean you have to walk around with an unauthentic smile on your face all the time. But the next time you feel low, crack a smile and see what happens. Or start each morning by smiling at yourself in the mirror.
#4. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the favor to feel joy again. Self-kindness refers to acting in understanding and thoughtful ways toward ourselves. For example, our inner voice is supportive and warm instead of critical. A sense of shared humanity recognizes that everyone has flaws and nobody (not even one) is without their weaknesses. Trusting and accepting that we are not alone in our suffering gives us comfort with feelings of inclusivity rather than alienation. Finally, mindfulness offers a “meta-perspective” of our hardships, helping us not to exaggerate our distress and become engulfed by it.
Parting Words
Remember, it is A-OK to be happy. It is A-OK to live a happy life even after the death of someone you love. To live your life to the fullest, despite the sadness, can be a lasting tribute to the individual who died. Permit yourself that you may find your sorrow and grief to change who you are and heal you so you become happier and more balanced.
Joy resides even in the saddest of times. Submit to tears, whether they be tears of joy or tears of sadness.
Further, if you are struggling, a good book can help. Widow’s Cry is a book for widow ministries by Jamie Pulos-Fry. It is a book to help people understand what widows need to encourage them when we visit them, call or have church events for them as a person or church member. For more details about Widow’s Cry, check out Jamie’s website.
The Happy Hammock 